Hyotei and a Mockery of Fangirls
by Snowpoppy
Summary: An OOC mockery of fangirls. An account of the Hyotei regulars' journey through Valentine's Day. (Poor, poor Shishido.) Yuushi was smart and ran away to Latvia.


**I was originally going to publish this as the fourth chapter of The Things Hyotei Does, but I decided not to. It didn't really fit. So here it is! An OOC mockery of fangirls. **

It was Valentine's Day, a day most people on the Hyotei tennis team rather disliked.

Let's see why, ne?

On Valentine's Day (or any holiday, for that matter) all the fangirls tended to group together for a massive disturbance that was often covered by the newspapers.

(The 1996 fangirl convention was especially powerful.)

Most of the regulars preferred to skip school, rather than be buried by the massive amount of fangirls. Well, not massive. Only Atobe's club was massive _massive, _but still.

It was terrifying. Even Tezuka, after reading the newspapers every year, took a knee and had to admit that fangirls were indeed a unique phenomenon. But he was on a vacation to Okinawa, in a small isolated hut where _nobody _could possibly stalk him.

* * *

Jiro looked around the hallways, basking in the warmth.

No, it wasn't the warmth of his club, gazing at him with their piercing stares.

It was the warmth of his bunny girl costume. Wait, did that come out right? Oh, it did. Bunny girl costume. Yup. Jiro was wearing a bunny girl costume, complete with with a carrot in his fluffy hands (or should I say paws?).

Nobody knew who he was, and most thought he was some visiting actor, nothing to take heed of. So Jiro was left happily alone, with no fangirls to pester him.

Ingenious.

Somewhere nearby, Chotaro was being flooded. Flooded with a mixture of glass-shattering squeals and gargantuan chocolates (wedding cakes as well, now that you mention it).

The poor boy opened his mouth to smile apologetically when a solid gold, heart-shaped pin hit him square in the teeth. He doubled over in pain and wondered if one of his teeth had fallen off.

Ah, he should have listened to Shishido and stayed home.

Atobe was sitting in a throne of metal painted with gold. No, even his mother would not buy him a solid-gold throne. That would've been expensive, even for the Atobes' standards.

The throne was sitting on an elevated stage with no stairs twenty feet in the air. The fangirls clawed desperately beneath him, throwing up their chocolates and giant love letters.

None of them reached Atobe, for their arms were barely strong enough to throw a baseball ten feet. Never mind twenty-pound boxes of the finest Belgian chocolate, each one containing exotic spices and textures.

"Sit, my adoring ladies!" Atobe snapped his fingers and gazed over the majestic spectacle. More than a thousand girls, all vying for his hand in marriage. They had to be seated in a special park with policemen guarding it.

However, the police knew very well that a mob of stampeding fangirls could indeed squash them to pieces of uniform and mustache.

* * *

Shishido had stayed at home.

Smart boy he was, and Chotaro hadn't listened to him. Said they couldn't be _that _bad, now could they? Well, he was only a second-year. Shishido himself had unwittingly gone to school on Valentine's Day a year ago and had promptly been overwhelmed with a wave of truffles. Besides, how had they known he liked truffles?

Shishido sat on his couch listening to music.

He was in the middle of a lovely song when all of a sudden, his door broke open.

What?!

Fangirls poured into his house, crushing his beloved backpack to smithereens. For a moment, Shishido wondered if his house could stand this many people. Perhaps not.

"SHISHIDO-SAMA!"

"Uh..."

"SHISHIDO-SAMA!"

"You idiot, it's SHISHIDO-DONO!" A nearby (experienced) fangirl shoved another one out of the way.

"SHISHIDO-DONO!"

"Uh..."

"SHISHIDO-DONO, PLEASE ACCEPT OUR GOOD INTENTIONS!" They cried.

At that moment, Shishido's little brother came down the stairs, his nose still runny from the cold he had.

"Ryou-nii," The eight-year old said matter-of-factly, "I don't know whether to be impressed-"

"Well, you should be," Shishido snapped, rather annoyed.

"Or to be freaked out."

Shishido considered this for a moment. After a second's thought, he conceded, "You should be."

A curtain of chocolate came hurtling towards him, knocking over a lamp his mother had received for a birthday present. "Goddammit," Shishido cursed under his breath.

He dodged and did the thing any sensible boy would do. He opened a window and leaped out of it, landing in some perfectly trimmed white roses. "Goddammit," Shishido cursed again. Those were his father's prized roses, the ones he himself had grown and cultivated since Shishido had been born.

He turned around and ran. Ran with all his might. Now was not the time to be worrying about some stupid rose bush thingy.

He was fast, duh. But his stamina? Okay. Fangirls' stamina? Even worse. Shishido quickly outran his lovelorn pursuers and found himself somewhere in Tokyo. "Hmm... where am I?" He muttered to himself.

Shishido walked till he saw a map of where he was. His jaw dropped to the ground. How had he run nine miles in fifteen minutes? No, that wasn't possible. Technically, a mile should at least take four minutes, he calculated.

Then it should have taken him at least a half hour.

Well, Shishido thought to himself ruefully, that was the power of fangirls. He walked into a café and was about to treat himself to a coffee when he discovered he had no money.

No money for the bus fare either.

Oh, damn.

* * *

Mukahi had sent a spy to estimate the number of members in his fan club. The spy had come back with the figure of five hundred fifty, with undetected members amounting to about fifty.

Part of the acrobat was disappointed that the number was smaller than Yuushi's- Yuushi had nearly a thousand- but then again, he was glad for the one hundred fifty less girls that would plague him.

But his spy hadn't estimated the number of members who were normal members of society 364 days of the year, but turned into a maniac on one day- Valentine's Day.

So, Mukahi had no idea his actual fan club registered around a thousand members, all of who had evil glints in their eyes and pink acrobatic leotards in their hands as "gifts".

Even so, Mukahi didn't go to school. He called in as sick (the nurses gladly accepted- so many people got injured when fangirls were on a rampage) and skipped happily to the park.

He sat down on a bench and began texting Yuushi, who was situated somewhere in northern Latvia in a luxurious hotel that not even the fangirls could detect. From Mukahi's prior knowledge, Latvia was somewhere...

That was cold? Yeah, that sounded about right.

He was about to ask Yuushi if it was cold in Latvia when his new custom-designed iPhone was snatched right out of his hands.

Mukahi looked up in abject terror.

It couldn't be the fangirls, right?

Oh, it was.

They were gathered in a tightly packed circle, with his iPhone sticking up in the middle. "iPhone-dono! iPhone-dono!" They screamed, their voices collectively reaching a shattering 340 decibels.

Mukahi gasped and covered his ears.

"iPhone-dono! You have received the attentions of Gakuto!"

Mukahi jumped back. Who was this random girl calling him _Gakuto? _What the heck?

"GAKUTO! GAKUTO! GAKUTO! Please give me your attentions!" They screamed again, their eyes possessing a feral glint that not even the sadist Fuji could imitate.

Mukahi didn't stay to watch the fangirls crush his iPhone and scavenge for the pieces as souvenirs of "Gakuto's attention".

He ran and ran and this time, did no Moonsaults.

* * *

Hiyoshi knew the dangers. But he severely underestimated them. After all, his motto was _Gekokujo! Overthrow this stupid a** of a captain! _Of course, his dear mother never allowed him to cuss.

So, he intended to: _Gekokujo! Overthrow these _ing girls!_

Hiyoshi was unprepared for the human tidal wave that came for him, armed with contact lenses and everything. While he was walking to school. "Take these, Hiyo-chan! HIYO-CHAN! KISS ME!"

"..."

He was about to turn around when somebody exclaimed, "These lenses are made of the finest optical fibers, made in my dad's lab! WON'T YOU TAKE THEM?"

This was tempting. For free? Perhaps his mother would forgive him for having trampled on his previous lenses if he brought home a $2000 pair of new contact lenses.

Slowly, Hiyoshi said, "Thank you. I'll take them."

The world seemingly froze as the fangirl stepped forward, her mini-skirt barely covering her underwear, holding the case like it was the Holy Grail.

"Here you go, Wakashi-dono. M-my b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-best w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-wishes t-to your eyes-s-s-sight!" She squealed and ran away back into the crowd.

Well, this set off a chain reaction.

Hiyoshi found himself being pelted with contact lenses, all made from the latest new hi-tech optical fibers. They were supposedly made from minuscule strands of diamond.

No way Hiyoshi was going to let something like that go to waste. So while he was being hit in the head, stomach, and private parts with lenses, he busied himself with picking up the fallen cases, containing diamonds.

Other strangers stopped to gaze at the wonder, and a newspaper crew had gathered at the corner of the street, happily taking pictures of Wakashi Hiyoshi picking up contact lenses on the ground.

He realized this in absolute horror.

With this, his dreams of gekokujo-ing Atobe would surely be shattered. Hiyoshi could hear the laughter of Shishido as he turned tail and ran as fast as he could.

"HIYO-CHAAAAAAAAAN!"

* * *

Kabaji was terrified of fangirls. He hated the noise and the giant boxes of chocolates that dented his head. But it was his duty to be by Atobe's side, so he came to school.

Quietly, after Atobe was immersed in his fangirl club, he had slipped away to a storage closet and locked himself in. He could hear the roar of his club as they roved around the school in desperate search of him.

Then he realized that he couldn't get out.

So Kabaji sat by himself in the storage closet, with only a few buckets of paint and a dusty broom for company.

Then, for the first time in his life, he discovered he was allergic to paint.

That was how he was discovered. By the sounds of his incessant sneezing. Two days later.

The rumors say that he ate twenty-two plates of beef and vegetables, downed by nine cups of water and a whole rice cooker full of rice.

* * *

That was how the Hyotei regulars spent their Valentine's Day.

My, the newspapers sure were busy documenting it. The next day, the Tokyo Times sold out immediately, and to Hiyoshi's horror, found a picture of himself picking up contact lenses being displayed on a giant billboard as an advertisement for _Ishikawa Lenses and Co._

**How was it? I hope you enjoyed it. I wrote this for myself and published it on a whim. Review!**


End file.
